So there was this girl..
When I was in 10th grade I had a crush on this girl, I thought she was beautiful and the only thing I knew about her is that she was really smart and ran track.
I was going through a very confusing time in my life, yet I was happy because I had some of the best friends in the world so the small stuff didn’t matter.
I remember i made the mistake of telling my friend that I liked her, and he would do stupid stuff like try to push me into her and call her name when she was in the hall. I am guessing she never noticed thank goodness because man..that boy..so embarrassing haha. I never thought I was her type, I wasn’t exactly the ladies man or the most manliest man.. and of course I had my own issues, so I just let it go.
I know I have my own struggles in life that I post about, and to me, it’s not easy. It affects me everyday. Although I’ve been dealing with it since I was a small child, it doesn’t seem like it always gets easier, even though it does. But, I think somewhere in the struggle, I got tired of battling. I wanna say I stopped honestly, like whole heartedly calling on God, because I was tired of fighting and failing. I was in some way ready to just accept my struggle, and when I did it was so easy to be mad at the world and say, I didn’t ask for this, and rebel in live it.
Tonight (about 5 years later) this girl, posted something on her facebook and it said feels good to know I finally won, Life tastes so much sweeter now.
And I had no idea what she was talking about, and I asked, what did you win?
Thinking she won like a track meet, or something academic (because she’s incredibly smart) and she messaged me and told me that 2 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors have told her that she is finally cancer free, and man I just never..knew.
It’s just so..sad yet so uplifting hearing her story, because here she was, sick. Battling through a struggle everyday, and she didn’t give up. It didn’t go away overnight, but the joy it brings 2 years later.. I’m just so thankful and proud of her.
And it encourages me to fight the good fight. To enjoy life, and never lose hope and never lose faith. I am not the only one in the world going through something, and testimony means that if He did it once He can do it again. She gives me hope, because if He can heal her, I know He can heal me. She makes me want to enjoy life. Very thankful to God for this girl and that she shared this with me, she has always been beautiful but tonight she shines.
In trying to find me, I lost myself & God.
Lately, it’s been happening again.
That feeling of just utmost lonliness..and depression. The kind the drives you to bad habits. It seems like..this just will not go away. I’m lonely in my heart, and I long for some sort of intimacy. I don’t mean like sexual (although this is where the flesh and depression will lead you), but just..a relationship with someone. To experience love.
I feel as if I don’t have a relationship with my friends. If I really needed to talk to one of them, I couldn’t honestly count on one of them to be there for me.
If they need me, I’m there to the best of my ability, anytime, no questions asked.
I know how to be a great friend to others, but I’m lonely in my heart, I’m waiting for someone to want to be a great friend to me. Someone who wants to know what I’m doing, who wants to hang out with me. For once, I would just like to be a priority in someone elses life and not just an option.
It gets draining being the guy that everyone can run to, the guy that’s super awesome, but is so alone in his heart. How can anyone not see that the boy is gone. He is so far gone.
So over the years I’ve felt like this..and I try filling this void. I try making friends, and sometimes I find good ones, but they end up hurting me and leaving me feeling abandoned. Or they end up putting me on the back burner, more like behind the stove. And it makes me depressed..
So then I start looking to find intimacy in relationships. But, if you know anything about me, you know that I battle against homosexuality. So I do the things I know I shouldn’t, and I make excuses for it.
I go to websites to meet other gay guys, because no one understands me. No one understands what I’m trying to say, or how I feel, and it’s just a lonely world. So I start to think well maybe gay guys can understand me. And I lie to myself and say, I don’t want to date them or anything, I just want to make good friends who I can hang out with, who might actually understand me. Someone to fill this hole that I’ve been trying to feel for so many years.
And it leads me to sexual impurity, to flesh, to sin. It takes me on a road where I’m not supposed to go.
Then I get depressed thinking.. f*ck nothing I do is right, there is no winning for losing. I’m a failure, and this leads to pornography. And in all of this, I never filled any holes, and I not only lose myself, but I lose sight of my relationship with God.
I’ve buried myself in trying to find a friend, that I cheapen what a friend is to me. I lose sight of the awesome person I am. I forget my purpose in life. I lose sight of who God is to me. I spend so much time trying to fill the hole, that I myself get lost in it.
I began to hate my life. I began to think that things will never change.
And then I hear a word of God, I make a mistake, and God’s grace lets me know, that the path I am going, is not a path for me. I am trying to find answers, but I am literally looking in the wrong path.
I should be praying. Having faith. Sharing my faith. Because in all of this, days go by and I lose myself, and I lose that intimacy with God.
God will give me all I need, when I put Him first in my life. Lately i’ve gotten so far from Him, that when I mess up and watch pornography or whatever the case may be, I wait before I even talk to Him. My prayers are like oingfdvnfv.
I love you God, and I know I am more than this. Please restore me, or rather God, please make me new. Help me to inspire and be inspired. Help me conquer this homosexuality and this lust.
Please place the people in my life Father who are going to help me grow. Help me to grow and appreciate the friendships I have, but more than anything Father, help them to grow and appreciate me as well.
